My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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