dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
