I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
