I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
