Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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