im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
