i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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