Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
