giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Oh god it's open bar.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
