Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
