I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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