the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
