I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I love black thongs
She said her name was "party"
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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