if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's rum buckets o'clock
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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