They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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