I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
