i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
