rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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