She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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