Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
