have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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