The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
