3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let's get the cat blown out
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
