in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
