I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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