ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
