think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
