god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
