96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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