last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
