I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
