i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
