Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
