I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
