Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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