she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
