If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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