my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
