I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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