All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
