he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
