I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You took a bar mat shot.
Is it penis luge time yet?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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