she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
