I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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