Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
