Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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