I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
