Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
