Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
