Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
